This week has been nothing but a pain. I know some people like to say how great of a job I have with all the exotic cars, or its at least a job. I know I’m happy i’m working but I want out, it sucks, there is no reason why I need to get yelled at for no reason by the bipolar boss. Also there is no need for me to deal with their bullshit. I got fired by them unofficially4-5 times, then I finally quit after the last straw. I told them what I wanted and they promised better things this time around. Somethings have changed somethings have not. The boss is still the same and randomly lying and throwing fights.
I can’t complain since i’m still working, but I have no way out or place to grow from this job. Its been 2 years almost since I started with them part time. Maybe I just need to quit again and start from no job. It sounds pretty dumb but I’m having a harder time looking for jobs when i’m at a job right now. I tried a few places and sources, but no luck. I know times are tough but what am I going to do at a job that has no future with the shady business their doing?
I hate this feeling, right now this past week i’ve been stress and freaking out about my surgery this coming thursday. I know its routine procedure, but I think Grey’s Anatomy is freaking me about dying on the table. I don’t think i’m going have any problems, but its just scary. I don’t know how to express it to people nor my friends. I hate troubling people with the feeling of it, but its not easy talking about it to people. I don’t expect people to understand it entirely. I’m not sure how I dealt with the operation 8 years ago. I only remember bits and pieces that I was freaking out the night before, and when I was getting drugged up. I couldn’t relax or breathe almost. I didn’t know what to expect, since I had surgery almost 14 years before it. As a kid I was a cry baby i’m probably still am. I get emotional, and upset easily, i’m very passionate about the things I love or like to do. But lately a lot of it has hit some walls, work doesn’t ever help my mood. My coworkers are awesome for keeping me calm and sane. Without them I think i’d would have taken an ferrari and tried to run the boss over… I swear.
Now a days people are all busy with work, family and other friends. I’ve seem to be where I was a couple years ago, lost among my friends. I have some really great friends back then, or are currently really far away. But some how I can’t find my comfort group always. I don’t like the idea of jumping groups, it seems like i’m not personal with any one in those groups then. I don’t know why but I feel like an outcast in all the groups. I don’t really feel part of anyone’s group. I don’t really care too much or try to, but this whole week I just felt left out. I don’t know why I couldn’t get a hold of myself and just go out with a friend or to and be my old spontaneous self.
Live life be free… where has the crazy gone?
I don’t want to freak myself out more but the best way is to sort out my head through words. Drinking doesn’t help me it doesn’t make me happy or sad. I think what really makes me sad is when I can’t find someone to be around with. I don’t know but did you ever hate the feeling of getting lost? I think I always hated it. I think this past weekend I just wanted to see people who really make me happy or impacted my life. Now or the past. I know I can’t see or talk to everyone but I can’t help it to regret a bit.
I’m not sure if I even make any sense, I wonder if my cheery and crazy happiness leads to really bad depression. Like I live in lala land or i’m in a high when i’m happy. I just don’t care and keep on doing what I want to do. But I realize that its just me in this lala land.
Hopefully nothing will go wrong on thursday and i make a good recovery.
