November 25, 2012
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A little bit about me and my heart
This week has been nothing but a pain. I know some people like to say how great of a job I have with all the exotic cars, or its at least a job. I know I’m happy i’m working but I want out, it sucks, there is no reason why I need to get yelled at for no reason by the bipolar boss. Also there is no need for me to deal with their bullshit. I got fired by them unofficially4-5 times, then I finally quit after the last straw. I told them what I wanted and they promised better things this time around. Somethings have changed somethings have not. The boss is still the same and randomly lying and throwing fights.
I can’t complain since i’m still working, but I have no way out or place to grow from this job. Its been 2 years almost since I started with them part time. Maybe I just need to quit again and start from no job. It sounds pretty dumb but I’m having a harder time looking for jobs when i’m at a job right now. I tried a few places and sources, but no luck. I know times are tough but what am I going to do at a job that has no future with the shady business their doing?
I hate this feeling, right now this past week i’ve been stress and freaking out about my surgery this coming thursday. I know its routine procedure, but I think Grey’s Anatomy is freaking me about dying on the table. I don’t think i’m going have any problems, but its just scary. I don’t know how to express it to people nor my friends. I hate troubling people with the feeling of it, but its not easy talking about it to people. I don’t expect people to understand it entirely. I’m not sure how I dealt with the operation 8 years ago. I only remember bits and pieces that I was freaking out the night before, and when I was getting drugged up. I couldn’t relax or breathe almost. I didn’t know what to expect, since I had surgery almost 14 years before it. As a kid I was a cry baby i’m probably still am. I get emotional, and upset easily, i’m very passionate about the things I love or like to do. But lately a lot of it has hit some walls, work doesn’t ever help my mood. My coworkers are awesome for keeping me calm and sane. Without them I think i’d would have taken an ferrari and tried to run the boss over… I swear.
Now a days people are all busy with work, family and other friends. I’ve seem to be where I was a couple years ago, lost among my friends. I have some really great friends back then, or are currently really far away. But some how I can’t find my comfort group always. I don’t like the idea of jumping groups, it seems like i’m not personal with any one in those groups then. I don’t know why but I feel like an outcast in all the groups. I don’t really feel part of anyone’s group. I don’t really care too much or try to, but this whole week I just felt left out. I don’t know why I couldn’t get a hold of myself and just go out with a friend or to and be my old spontaneous self.
Live life be free… where has the crazy gone?I don’t want to freak myself out more but the best way is to sort out my head through words. Drinking doesn’t help me it doesn’t make me happy or sad. I think what really makes me sad is when I can’t find someone to be around with. I don’t know but did you ever hate the feeling of getting lost? I think I always hated it. I think this past weekend I just wanted to see people who really make me happy or impacted my life. Now or the past. I know I can’t see or talk to everyone but I can’t help it to regret a bit.
I’m not sure if I even make any sense, I wonder if my cheery and crazy happiness leads to really bad depression. Like I live in lala land or i’m in a high when i’m happy. I just don’t care and keep on doing what I want to do. But I realize that its just me in this lala land.
Hopefully nothing will go wrong on thursday and i make a good recovery.
Comments (10)
I’ve never had a surgery before, besides my wisdom teeth, but my dad’s had almost 60 surgeries, so I understand a little about how nervous you are feeling. I think you will do just fine
If I lived in New York I would hang out with you! I always see your posts and want to hang out… but 6 hours is too far away, lol. Hit me up if you ever want to talk, friend 
Good luck with your surgery. I’m sure it’ll go well!
But hey I understand where you’re coming from with feeling lost. Cheer up!
So sorry to hear all this! Can’t imagine having to deal with a bad boss + surgery =( my thoughts are with you for a smooth operation and a speedy recovery! On the job search note, it is tough….I really don’t know what it is, but I’ve been looking for the past two years (while working), and everything comes up as a dead end….I think we can only keep trying, and chalk everything all up to fate – that when the right opportunity comes, we will know it. It’s good to hear that your co-workers are supportive at least, but I’d say a job should never take priority when compared to your physical and mental health. best of luck!
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but you’ve done such a good job dealing with all the stress. Keep plugging through! Will send you happy thoughts for your surgery on Thursday.
Jeffy, you know where we are all the time. You’re a part of our group and lately, I’ll have to admit, it’s been weird not knowing where you’ve been. You’ll find us doing the same stupid stuff, talking about inappropriate things, like we always do. So stop hiding and come out because no matter how busy we are, it’s kinda nice trekking throughout the city for a meal together once or twice a week. Remember, you’re only crazy until you sit down with us. Then, you’re just another one of us.
Good luck with your surgery.
Life is all about ups and downs and mostly: change, which I think it hardest to deal with. Friends drift, do their own thing, just like you will. I think the key is to appreciate those good moments when they happen, knowing that it could all change. This makes life worth living. From what I’ve read, I think you know how to live life. You appreciate it, you miss the good times, but you manage to find new ones.
As for your surgery, I wouldn’t know how to feel either. It’s definitely scary and there’s always a risk with something like this, but you have to keep in mind that you’re in good hands, you’ve been through it before, and that you’ll do fine. And for godsake, stop watching Grey’s Anatomy before a surgery, haha.
In all seriousness, Thursday is my birthday, so I will remember things. I will remember to think about you and send you massive good vibes.
good luck with surgery!
Good luck with your surgery. I’m sure you’ll be fine! Best wishes~
i can sympathize with not feeling like you belong in any group. but you’re a secure part of the xanga community so that’s at least one group you can feel safe sharing your feelings with. i hope itll all go well. positive thoughts help! try to think about the yummy things youll eat after you finish it all!